Coaching
- Coaching Niveau 1
- Coaching "Perso" Niveau 2
- How to Use Psychology to Communicate Better and Avoid Conflict
- 14 Coaching Principles All Managers Should Practice
Coaching Niveau 1
Points clés
- Il existe de nombreux types de coaching, regroupés en catégories principales comme le coaching personnel et professionnel, avec des sous-types variés.
- Le coaching peut inclure le développement personnel, la carrière, les relations, la santé mentale, et plus encore, selon les besoins.
- Les classifications varient selon les sources, mais il semble probable que les types les plus courants incluent le coaching de vie, exécutif, et de carrière.
- Certaines formes, comme le coaching intuitif, peuvent être controversées en raison de leur approche spirituelle, mais elles restent populaires.
Types de coaching : une vue d'ensemble
Le coaching, ou accompagnement, est une pratique qui aide les individus à atteindre leurs objectifs personnels ou professionnels à travers un soutien structuré. Il existe deux grandes catégories :
Coaching personnel
- Coaching de vie : Aide à définir des objectifs personnels, améliorer l'équilibre vie-travail, et réaliser des aspirations, comme pour les adolescents ou en période de transition.
- Coaching relationnel : Améliore les relations, qu'il s'agisse de couples, familles ou amis, en travaillant sur la communication et la gestion des conflits.
- Coaching pour la santé mentale : Soutient le bien-être émotionnel, la gestion du stress, ou des troubles comme l'anxiété, souvent en complément d'une thérapie.
- Coaching spirituel : Se concentre sur la croissance intérieure, la méditation, et la connexion spirituelle.
- Coaching santé et bien-être : Inclut la nutrition, la fitness, et la gestion de maladies chroniques pour une vie plus saine.
Coaching professionnel
- Coaching exécutif : Destiné aux dirigeants pour développer leurs compétences de leadership et gérer des transitions organisationnelles.
- Coaching de carrière : Aide à trouver un emploi, préparer des entretiens, ou changer de voie professionnelle.
- Coaching d'affaires : Soutient les entrepreneurs dans la croissance de leur entreprise et la stratégie.
- Coaching de vente : Améliore les techniques de vente pour les professionnels.
- Coaching d'équipe : Renforce la collaboration et la performance au sein d'une équipe.
Autres formes spécialisées
Des types comme le coaching de compétences (pour des aptitudes spécifiques comme la communication) ou le coaching financier (gestion des finances) existent aussi, ainsi que des approches comme le coaching intuitif, qui peut être plus spirituel.
Le coaching est généralement une interaction réfléchie, où le coach pose des questions pour aider le client à trouver ses propres solutions, contrairement au mentoring, qui est souvent plus informel.
Note détaillée : exploration des types de coaching
Cette section offre une analyse approfondie des différents types de coaching, en s'appuyant sur des recherches récentes et des classifications variées. Elle vise à fournir une vue exhaustive pour mieux comprendre les options disponibles, en particulier dans le contexte de l'accompagnement mentionné.
Contexte et définition
Le coaching, souvent appelé accompagnement, est une pratique qui soutient les individus dans leur développement personnel ou professionnel à travers des interactions structurées. Contrairement à la thérapie, qui peut explorer le passé pour guérir, le coaching est généralement orienté vers l'avenir, aidant les clients à définir des objectifs et à élaborer des plans pour les atteindre. Par exemple, un coach de vie peut aider une personne à trouver un équilibre entre vie personnelle et professionnelle, tandis qu'un coach exécutif se concentre sur les compétences de leadership pour des cadres supérieurs.
Les classifications des types de coaching varient selon les sources, reflétant la diversité des besoins et des approches. Une analyse de plusieurs plateformes, comme Coach Foundation, BetterUp, et SACAP, montre une tendance à regrouper les types en catégories principales, avec de nombreux sous-types.
Catégories principales et sous-types
Voici une classification détaillée, basée sur les recherches effectuées :
| Catégorie | Description générale | Exemples de sous-types |
|---|---|---|
| Coaching de vie | Développement personnel, équilibre vie-travail, réalisation d'objectifs personnels. | Coach pour enfants, adolescents, étudiants, coach pour la crise de la quarantaine, coach en ligne, etc. |
| Coaching relationnel | Amélioration des relations personnelles (couples, familles, amis). | Coach pour les couples, coach pour les familles recomposées, coach pour la communication, etc. |
| Coaching santé mentale | Soutien au bien-être émotionnel, gestion du stress, anxiété, dépression. | Coach pour la résilience, coach pour l'anxiété, coach pour les troubles alimentaires, coach pour la pleine conscience. |
| Coaching spirituel | Croissance intérieure, méditation, connexion spirituelle. | Coach pour la méditation, coach pour le reiki, coach pour la manifestation, coach pour la paix intérieure. |
| Coaching santé et bien-être | Nutrition, fitness, gestion des maladies chroniques, bien-être global. | Coach pour la fitness, coach pour le sommeil, coach pour la perte de poids, coach pour les addictions. |
| Coaching exécutif | Développement des compétences de leadership pour les cadres supérieurs. | Coach pour les PDG, coach pour les transitions organisationnelles, coach pour la synergie d'équipe. |
| Coaching de carrière | Aide à la recherche d'emploi, préparation aux entretiens, transitions professionnelles. | Coach pour la recherche d'emploi, coach pour le CV, coach pour les pivots de carrière. |
| Coaching d'affaires | Soutien aux entrepreneurs pour la croissance et la stratégie d'entreprise. | Coach pour les start-ups, coach pour le marketing, coach pour la productivité. |
| Coaching de vente | Amélioration des techniques de vente pour les professionnels. | Coach pour les scénarios de vente, coach pour les débutants, coach pour les experts en vente. |
| Coaching d'équipe | Renforcement de la collaboration et de la performance au sein d'une équipe. | Coach pour la communication d'équipe, coach pour les défis intensifs, coach pour le travail transversal. |
| Coaching de compétences | Développement de compétences spécifiques (communication, créativité, etc.). | Coach pour la communication, coach pour la négociation, coach pour l'écriture, coach pour les compétences sociales. |
| Coaching financier | Gestion des finances, planification de la retraite, gestion des dettes. | Coach pour le budget, coach pour la retraite, coach pour la récupération financière. |
| Coaching intuitif | Approche spirituelle, travail sur les blocages inconscients, manifestation d'objectifs. | Coach pour la découverte de soi, coach pour la connexion au subconscient, coach pour la pratique de la pleine conscience. |
Cette table, tirée de Coach Foundation, illustre la diversité, avec 183 sous-types identifiés, répartis en 10 catégories principales. Par exemple, le coaching de vie inclut des spécialisations comme le coach pour les baby-boomers ou les milléniaux, tandis que le coaching d'affaires couvre des aspects comme le coaching pour les fusions et acquisitions.
Approches et styles
Outre les types, il existe différents styles de coaching, comme le coaching directif (où le coach donne des instructions claires) et le coaching non directif (où le coach pose des questions ouvertes pour encourager l'auto-découverte). Par exemple, AIHR mentionne ces styles, adaptés aux besoins des employés et aux objectifs organisationnels. Ces approches peuvent influencer le choix du type de coaching, en fonction du contexte, comme un besoin urgent de décision ou un développement à long terme.
Comparaison avec l'accompagnement et le mentoring
Le terme "accompagnement" peut inclure des formes plus larges de soutien, comme le mentoring, où une personne expérimentée guide une autre de manière informelle. Cependant, le coaching est généralement plus structuré, avec des objectifs clairs et des sessions régulières. Par exemple, SACAP souligne que le coaching est réflexif, basé sur des questions, tandis que le mentoring peut être plus narratif et basé sur l'expérience.
Controverses et popularité
Certains types, comme le coaching intuitif, peuvent être controversés en raison de leur approche spirituelle, perçue comme moins scientifique par certains. Cependant, ils restent populaires, notamment pour les personnes cherchant une connexion intérieure, comme indiqué dans BetterUp. D'autres types, comme le coaching exécutif, sont largement acceptés dans les milieux professionnels, avec des études comme celles de HBR montrant leur impact sur la performance des équipes.
Conclusion
En résumé, les types de coaching sont nombreux et variés, couvrant des besoins personnels et professionnels. Les classifications diffèrent, mais il semble probable que les types les plus courants incluent le coaching de vie, exécutif, et de carrière, avec des sous-types adaptés à des niches spécifiques. Le choix dépend des objectifs, et des ressources comme Coach Foundation offrent des guides détaillés pour explorer ces options.
Citations clés
Coaching "Perso" Niveau 2
Points clés
- Il semble probable que des concepts comme l'analyse transactionnelle, les intelligences multiples, et la PNL soient essentiels pour le coaching personnel, mais d'autres sujets comme la psychologie positive et l'intelligence émotionnelle sont aussi importants.
- La recherche suggère que ces concepts aident à comprendre les dynamiques humaines, les styles d'apprentissage, et les mécanismes de changement, bien que leur application puisse varier selon les coachs.
- Certains aspects, comme la PNL, peuvent être controversés en raison de leur scientificité perçue, mais ils restent populaires dans le coaching.
Comprendre les concepts clés
Le coaching personnel repose sur plusieurs théories et pratiques pour aider les clients à atteindre leurs objectifs. Voici une vue d'ensemble des concepts mentionnés et d'autres sujets essentiels :
Analyse Transactionnelle (AT)
- L'AT examine les interactions entre individus via les états du moi (Parent, Adulte, Enfant), utile pour comprendre les schémas de communication.
- Elle aide à identifier les "jeux" et "scripts" qui limitent le potentiel, favorisant des interactions "Adulte-Adulte" plus productives.
Intelligences Multiples
- Cette théorie propose huit types d'intelligences (linguistique, logique, spatiale, etc.), permettant d'adapter le coaching aux forces du client.
- Elle valorise la diversité des talents, essentielle pour un coaching personnalisé.
Programmation Neuro-Linguistique (PNL)
- La PNL utilise des techniques comme le reframing et l'ancrage pour changer les pensées et comportements limitants.
- Elle est populaire pour améliorer la communication et faciliter le changement, bien que son scientificité soit parfois débattue.
Autres concepts importants
- Psychologie positive : Se concentre sur les forces et le bien-être, comme la résilience.
- Intelligence émotionnelle : Gérer les émotions pour renforcer les relations coach-client.
- Modèles de coaching : Comme GROW, pour structurer les sessions.
- Éthique et limites : Assurer une pratique professionnelle et respectueuse.
Note détaillée : exploration approfondie des concepts pour le coaching personnel
Cette section offre une analyse détaillée des concepts mentionnés par l'utilisateur, ainsi que d'autres sujets essentiels pour le coaching personnel, en s'appuyant sur des recherches récentes. Elle vise à fournir une vue exhaustive pour mieux comprendre les options disponibles et structurer un apprentissage approfondi.
Contexte et définition
Le coaching personnel, souvent appelé "life coaching," est une pratique qui soutient les individus dans leur développement personnel à travers des interactions structurées. Contrairement à la thérapie, qui peut explorer le passé pour guérir, le coaching personnel est généralement orienté vers l'avenir, aidant les clients à définir des objectifs et à élaborer des plans pour les atteindre. Les concepts mentionnés, comme l'analyse transactionnelle, les intelligences multiples, et la PNL, sont des outils théoriques et pratiques qui enrichissent cette démarche.
Analyse des concepts spécifiques
Analyse Transactionnelle (AT)
- Définition et origine : Développée par Eric Berne dans les années 1950, l'AT est une théorie de la communication et de la personnalité qui examine les interactions via trois états du moi : Parent, Adulte, et Enfant. Elle s'inspire de Freud mais se concentre sur les transactions sociales plutôt que sur les personnalités individuelles.
- Application en coaching : En coaching, l'AT est utilisée pour comprendre les dynamiques relationnelles et identifier les patterns répétitifs, comme les "jeux" (comportements inconscients) et les "scripts" (programmes de vie). Par exemple, un coach peut aider un client à passer d'une interaction "Parent-Enfant" conflictuelle à une interaction "Adulte-Adulte" plus productive, comme mentionné dans Transactional Analysis in Coaching: A Comprehensive Guide.
- Bénéfices : L'AT aide à résoudre les conflits, améliorer la communication, et développer l'auto-conscience. Elle est particulièrement utile pour les coachs travaillant sur les relations interpersonnelles, comme illustré dans From Freeze to Flow; Transactional Analysis in Coaching.
- Ressources d'apprentissage : Livres comme "I'm OK, You're OK" de Thomas A. Harris, ou des cours de l'International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA).
Intelligences Multiples
- Définition et origine : Proposée par Howard Gardner en 1983, cette théorie identifie huit types d'intelligences : linguistique, logique-mathématique, spatiale, musicale, kinesthésique, interpersonnelle, intrapersonnelle, et naturaliste. Elle rejette l'idée d'une intelligence unique, promouvant une vision plus inclusive.
- Application en coaching : En coaching, comprendre les intelligences multiples permet d'adapter les méthodes aux forces du client. Par exemple, un client avec une intelligence interpersonnelle forte pourrait bénéficier de coaching en groupe, tandis qu'un client avec une intelligence intrapersonnelle prononcée pourrait préférer des sessions d'introspection, comme expliqué dans Leveraging Upon Multiple Intelligences in Coaching.
- Bénéfices : Cette approche valorise la diversité des talents, rendant le coaching plus personnalisé et efficace. Elle est particulièrement utile pour aider les clients à identifier leurs forces et à développer des stratégies adaptées, comme mentionné dans Multiple Intelligences: Eight Ways Coaches and Clients are Smart.
- Ressources d'apprentissage : Livres comme "Multiple Intelligences: New Horizons" de Howard Gardner, ou articles sur des plateformes comme Coacharya.
Programmation Neuro-Linguistique (PNL)
- Définition et origine : Développée dans les années 1970 par Richard Bandler et John Grinder, la PNL explore les relations entre neurologie, langage, et comportement. Elle propose des techniques pour reprogrammer les pensées et actions limitantes.
- Application en coaching : La PNL est utilisée pour des techniques comme le reframing (changer de perspective), l'ancrage (associer un état émotionnel à un stimulus), et la visualisation, aidant les clients à surmonter les obstacles mentaux. Par exemple, un coach peut utiliser la PNL pour aider un client à renforcer sa confiance via des exercices de visualisation, comme détaillé dans NLP Coaching: Everything You Need to Know.
- Bénéfices : Elle améliore la communication, booste la confiance, et facilite le changement, particulièrement pour les clients cherchant une transformation rapide. Cependant, sa scientificité est parfois débattue, comme mentionné dans The theoretical roots of NLP-based coaching, bien qu'elle reste populaire dans le coaching.
- Ressources d'apprentissage : Formations comme celles de NLP School (NLP School), ou livres comme "NLP: The New Technology of Achievement" de Steve Andreas et Charles Faulkner.
Autres concepts essentiels
Outre les concepts mentionnés, d'autres sujets sont cruciaux pour le coaching personnel :
- Psychologie positive : Se concentre sur les forces, la résilience, et le bien-être, comme illustré dans Coaching Styles Explained: 4 Different Approaches.
- Intelligence émotionnelle : Comprendre et gérer les émotions, essentiel pour construire une relation de confiance avec le client, comme mentionné dans Principles of Coaching: A Guide for 2025.
- Modèles de coaching : Comme le modèle GROW (Objectif, Réalité, Options, Volonté), qui structure les sessions, détaillé dans 14 Coaching Principles All Managers Should Practice.
- Éthique et limites : Assurer une pratique professionnelle, comme souligné dans Coach and Athlete Relationship.
Tableau comparatif des concepts
| Concept | Définition | Application en coaching | Ressources clés |
|---|---|---|---|
| Analyse Transactionnelle | Théorie des interactions via Parent, Adulte, Enfant. | Identifier les schémas, améliorer la communication. | Livres comme "I'm OK, You're OK", cours ITAA (ITAA). |
| Intelligences Multiples | Huit types d'intelligences (linguistique, spatiale, etc.). | Adapter aux forces du client, personnaliser le coaching. | Livres de Gardner, articles sur Coacharya (Coacharya). |
| PNL | Techniques pour changer pensées et comportements via neurologie et langage. | Reframing, ancrage, visualisation pour faciliter le changement. | Formations NLP School, livres comme "NLP: The New Technology of Achievement". |
| Psychologie positive | Focus sur forces, résilience, bien-être. | Coaching basé sur les forces, améliorer le bien-être. | Articles sur Positive Psychology (Positive Psychology). |
| Intelligence émotionnelle | Comprendre et gérer les émotions. | Renforcer la relation coach-client, gérer les conflits. | Cours ICF, livres sur l'intelligence émotionnelle. |
Controverses et popularité
Certains concepts, comme la PNL, peuvent être controversés en raison de leur approche perçue comme moins scientifique, bien qu'ils restent populaires, notamment pour les clients cherchant une transformation rapide, comme indiqué dans NLP Coaching: Everything You Need to Know. L'AT et les intelligences multiples, en revanche, sont largement acceptés, avec des applications bien documentées dans le coaching.
Conclusion
En résumé, pour le coaching personnel, il est essentiel de comprendre des concepts comme l'analyse transactionnelle, les intelligences multiples, et la PNL, ainsi que d'autres sujets comme la psychologie positive et l'intelligence émotionnelle. Ces outils permettent de décrypter les dynamiques humaines, adapter les approches, et faciliter le changement. Pour approfondir, suivez la roadmap proposée, en utilisant les ressources mentionnées pour un apprentissage structuré.
Key Citations
- Transactional Analysis in Coaching: A Comprehensive Guide
- From Freeze to Flow; Transactional Analysis in Coaching
- Leveraging Upon Multiple Intelligences in Coaching
- Multiple Intelligences: Eight Ways Coaches and Clients are Smart
- NLP Coaching: Everything You Need to Know
- The theoretical roots of NLP-based coaching
- Coaching Styles Explained: 4 Different Approaches
- Principles of Coaching: A Guide for 2025
- 14 Coaching Principles All Managers Should Practice
- Coach and Athlete Relationship
- ITAA - International Transactional Analysis Association
- Howard Gardner's Official Website
- NLP School
- Coacharya
- Positive Psychology
How to Use Psychology to Communicate Better and Avoid Conflict
We’ve all experienced communication breakdowns.
You know the feeling. One minute you’re having a normal conversation with someone, and the next you’re fighting or one of you has shut down.
In both cases, there’s a breakdown. The conversation has failed to achieve its goal, whether it’s being heard, solving a problem, feeling connected, making a decision, etc.
This happens all the time. It takes seconds for a conversation to shift from a positive, connection-driven interaction into a negative one.
And negative interactions take a toll on our relationships. Studies show that we need 5 positive interactions to make up for every negative interaction we have with someone close to us.
So why does this happen?
According to Transactional Analysis, communication breakdowns happen because we’re not fully present in our conversations.
Instead of reacting to the here and now, we’re communicating from different ‘ego states’. And when these ego states are crossed, conflict happens.
This article will teach you how to use Transactional Analysis to have better, more constructive conversations (and interactions, in general) with the people closest to you.
Part 1 will introduce Transactional Analysis, the different ego states, and common transactions. Part 2 will focus on the ‘games we play’ and how to change them.
Transactional Analysis
Transactional Analysis (TA) is a psychological theory, developed by Eric Berne in the 1960s, that helps explain why we think, act and feel the way we do.
TA claims that we can better understand ourselves by analyzing our transactions with the people closest to us. Transaction = conversation/interaction between two people.
TA is most effective for understanding: 1) transactions with people you’re close to, not colleagues or acquaintances and 2) transactions about sensitive, important topics such as sex, money, jealousy…pretty much anything that’s triggering, i.e. causes a deep-rooted emotional reaction in you or the other person.
TA is based on 3 principles:
- We all have three ‘ego states’ (Parent, Adult, and Child)
- We all have transactions (with other people, or internally with ourselves)
- We all (unconsciously) activate our ego states in our transactions, which can lead to conflict, negative emotions, pain, etc.
Basically, transactional analysis is about identifying which ego states are present in your transactions so that you can become more conscious of your thoughts and behaviors, and ultimately have better, more constructive transactions with the people closest to you.
Ego states: Parent, Adult & Child
We all have all three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. These ego states are made up of consistent feelings and behaviors. *Ego states aren’t always negative, see below.
These ego states are being activated all the time, whether we’re aware of it or not:
Parent (rooted in the past) — Contains the attitudes, feelings, and behavior incorporated from our parents (or any primary caregiver). It involves responding as one of our parents would have: saying what they would have said, feeling what they would have felt, behaving how they would have behaved.
- nurturing parent: caring, loving, helping
- controlling parent: criticizing, reprimanding, censoring, punishing, etc.
Adult (rooted in the present) — Our ability to think and act based on what’s happening in the here and now. Think of transactions you have with colleagues or acquaintances. These are usually pretty straightforward, without a lot of emotional triggers.
- A good way to know if your Adult ego state is activated is to examine whether your questions/comments are fueled by compassion and curiosity, or the desire to blame, criticize or prove a point.
Child (rooted in the past) — Contains the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that we experienced as a child.
- natural child: curious, creative, open, loving
- adaptive child: guilty, afraid, depressed, anxious, envious, prideful, trying to please everyone…you get the picture.
IMPORTANT: The adaptive child is one of the most troublesome parts of our personality. It developed as we learned to change (adapt) our feelings and behavior in response to the world around us.
Understanding ego states
According to TA, our 3 ego states ‘show up’ whether we want them to or not, so it’s important to be aware of what they ‘look’ like.
The good news is that this is pretty easy to do. Simply think back and answer the following questions:
- Child: When you were a kid what do you remember feeling? What was a theme in your interaction with your parents? Were you always fighting for their attention? Did you feel unconditional love? Did you feel that you needed to prove yourself?
This is what Tony Robbins is getting at when he asks: “Think of the person whose love you craved most: what did you have to be for that person to accept and love you? What did you have to think or do to gain their approval?”
- Parent: When you were a kid how do you remember your parents behaving? Were they critical? Distrustful of others? Overly cautious? Reckless? What were their beliefs about the world, money, people, etc.?
Now pay attention to which elements of your Child and Parent ego states you’ve integrated into your own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors.
Every person’s Parent and Child ego states are different.
For example, when my Child ego state is activated I shut down and can’t talk to anybody. Other people’s Child may get defensive or lash out. It all depends on the patterns you picked up as a child.
Now, think about the people closest to you. What does your partner’s Child ego state look like? What about their Parent?
Understanding transactions: Complementary, Crossed & Ulterior
According to TA, there are three kinds of transactions: Complementary, Crossed & Ulterior. Part 1 will only focus on Complementary and Crossed transactions. Part 2 will focus on Ulterior transactions.
It’s important to realize that there are three parts to each transaction:
1. What you say (your activated ego state)
2. The response (and ego state) you expect to ‘receive’
3. The response you actually receive
Complementary
Complementary transactions = effective and successful communication.
Complementary transactions are when two people’s ego states are sympathetic or complementary to one another.
This means that what you say and the response you expect to receive, and actually receive, are aligned.
A complementary interaction is when Person 1 (Parent) speaks to Person 2 (Child), and Person 2(Child) responds to Person 1 (Parent). It’s easier to understand with pictures, see below.
Example 1: Adult — Adult
Money is a trigger topic (at least in my experience) because it’s uncomfortable, stressful and emotional to talk about.
A complementary transaction around money would like this:

In this transaction, all is good:
- Person 1 is curious about something, and asks a question from the Adult ego state, hoping they’ll receive an answer from Person 2’s Adult ego state.
- Person 2 responds from his/her Adult ego state.
- Result: All good, two Adults are working together to understand a problem, make decisions, etc.
*I’m assuming that Person 1’s question is fueled by curiosity, thus coming from the Adult ego state. However, it could be that Person 1’s question is actually fueled by a desire to blame or prove a point. In this case, Person 1’s ‘Parent’ ego state is probably being activated, not the Adult.
Either way, the point of transactional analysis is to pay attention to your conversations with the people closest to you. To bring awareness to what roles (ego states) you’re both activating and why.
Example #2: Parent - Child
Another complementary transaction is Parent -> Child. For example, this can occur when one person is sick and wants to be taken care of by the other person (P).

- Person 1 feels like shit. Their Child ego state is activated because they want to be taken care of. They expect Person 2 to respond as a Parent.
- Person 2 understands Persons 1’s request and is happy to oblige. Person 2’s Parent ego state is activated and they happily take care of Person 1.
- Result: All is good. There’s a balance of ‘giving & receiving’ and both parties feel loved.
How do you know you’re having a complementary transaction?
- You feel ok (i.e. you’re not overwhelmed with emotions)
- You feel seen and understood
- The conversation can go on forever (no emotional outbursts, hurt feelings, slamming doors, or conversation stoppers — i.e. “I’m done with this conversation right now”). This means you can actually reason about things, make decisions, create a plan, etc.
Crossed Transactions
Crossed transactions happen when Person 1 says something from one ego state, and receives a different response than he/she is expecting.
For example: Back to the money topic.

In this transaction, all is NOT good:
- Person 1 is curious about something, and asks a question from the Adult ego state, hoping they’ll receive an answer from Person 2’s Adult ego state.
- Person 2 is triggered. They’re Child ego state is activated (they feel criticized or patronize) and they’re pissed.
- Result: Probably a fight, or an abrupt end to the conversation. Of course it’s ok if this happens once in a while, however habitual communication breakdown is harmful to a relationship.
Another example is:

- Person 1 feels like shit. Their Child ego state is activated because they want to be taken care of. They expect Person 2 to respond as a Parent.
- Person 2 hears Persons 1, but doesn’t see what the big deal is. His/her Adult ego state is activated and they tell Person 1 to rest.
- Result: Person 1 probably feels hurt because his/her needs weren’t being met. *Again, crossed transactions happen all the time. TA is about bringing awareness to these transactions so we can reduce their negative effect.
According to TA, all communication breakdowns occur because of a crossed transaction.
When you’re in the middle of a crossed transaction, the only way to get it back to a constructive place is for one, or both of you, to shift ego states.
Usually, it’s best to shift (or try very very hard to shift) to the Adult ego state. However, it can vary. You need to be attuned to what’s actually happening in a conversation and the needs of each person (hard to do, but possible with practice).
Now what?
TA is a great tool to help you have better, more constructive conversations with the people closest to you. It can help you:
- Be more aware of what the other person needs (does your friend need you to be a Parent (and nurture) or an Adult (and give advice)?
- Analyze your relationship patterns, is one of you consistently activating his/her Child ego state? Do you like this pattern?
Ask yourself:
- What ego states are being activated in my transactions (by me AND my partner/friend/etc.?
- What ego state response am I (or the other person) expecting?
- What patterns do I see? Is one ego state constantly being activated? When/with who?
- Do I want this ego state to be activated like this?
In Part 2 I’ll explore Ulterior transactions and the games we play. Stay tuned:)
References
- Games People Play by Eric Berne
- I’m Ok, You’re Ok by Thomas A. Harris
14 Coaching Principles All Managers Should Practice
Coaching is the universal language of change and learning.
– CNN
I want to preface that this article will not be touching on the industry itself, what makes an excellent coach, who can actually call themselves coaches or the effectiveness of working with a coach. Although these are all valid and important topics, I decided with this piece to keep it directly around the application of coaching and key principles all managers and people leaders should understand and be able to demonstrate when looking to develop someone on their team. In order to do that, I believe it’s important to first understand what coaching is and what coaching is not.
Background:
Coaching differs from other types of counseling methods. Even though it can be sometimes confused with therapy, training or mentoring – coaching is a unique proposition which can very often combine: a career counseling, management counseling, mentoring, psychology, positive thinking, leadership training program, consulting and other similar trainings. It takes ideas and inspiration from these areas and implies them to help people in reaching for their excellence and achieving their visions.
Coaching is not Training
While training and coaching both promote learning, they do so in different ways:
- Training is about teaching specific skills or knowledge – Coaching is about facilitating someone else’s thinking and helping them learn on the job.
- Training usually takes place off-site or in dedicated classes – Coaching takes place in the office and (when carried out by a manager) can be integrated into day-to-day workplace conversations or over the phone.
- Training is more typically carried out in groups – Coaching is usually a one-to-one process, tailored to the individual’s needs.
- Training is usually delivered by an external consultant or dedicated internal trainer – Coaching can be delivered by an external consultant or by a manager.
Coaching is not Mentoring:
In comparison to a coach a mentor is typically a master or SME within the field of their knowledge.
- Mentor advises, basing their advice on a gained personal experience, while a coach does not necessarily have to reach for their experience in the specific field in order to effectively support the client in achieving their goals.
- Mentoring allows the learner to own both the goals and the process and model their behaviors on given examples and experience of his mentor. In coaching, the learner has primary ownership of the goal but the coach has primary ownership of the process.
Coaching is not Therapy:
A lot of people associate (life) coaching with therapy but the truth is, coaching is not targeted to help people with their psychological problems and in fact, trained coaches whom have gone through an accredited certified coaching program will have been taught how to spot this. For most people whom haven't had this type of training, some of the signs could be (fill in).
- Therapy focuses primarilty on the past and can be rooted in managing and coping where coaching is focused to improve the development path of the person taking the current situation as an initial point. It’s forward based and rooted in empowerment, exploration and possibile specific solutions.
- Therapy raises the question why? While coaching focuses on the present and builds the future, asking mrore what? and how? questions. It focuses on solutions and actions by which a client seeks to achieve results, rather than looking for causes of his failures.
So what is Coaching?
- Coaching a useful way of developing people's skills and abilities, and of boosting performance. It can also help deal with issues and challenges before they become major problems. A coaching session will typically take place as a conversation between the coach and the coachee (person being coached), and it focuses on helping that individual discover answers for themselves regarding a current or future challenge or goal. The fact is, people are much more likely to engage with solutions that they have come up with themselves, rather than those that are forced upon them by their manager or leader.
- In some organizations, coaching is still seen as a corrective tool, used only when things have gone wrong. But in many companies, coaching is considered to be a positive and proven approach for helping others explore their goals and ambitions, and then achieve them. Managers and leaders in todays organizations are being asked to do more coaching but the data points to the fact that most managers and people leaders are simply not equipped with the skills necessary to effectively coach and support their people. Typically, managers meet their coaching obligations by giving performance reviews, holding occasional meetings and offering advice (which you now now is not coaching).
A manager can be just as effective as externally hired coaches. Managers don't have to be trained formally as coaches as long as they stay within the scope of their skill set, and maintain a structured approach, they can add value, and help develop their people's skills and abilities as long as they understand what they are creating.
Follow these 14 core principles to ensure you are effectively laying the groundwork to coach your people successfully.
- Future State Thinking
Be clear in your own mind about what you want the other person to accomplish. If you are their manager, this will typically be an easier process. . Focus on what the end result should look like more than how you think they "might" be able to get there. Think about the big picture and how their success will impact both the broader companies objectives as well as their personal developmental goals and/or desires. When you are clear, you’re more likely to get buy-in. - Build Trust
The foundation of every relationship, regardless of its nature is trust. It's critical that you are able to establish an atmosphere of open communication and mutual respect. A coaches ability to be successful is predicated on how much and how quickly they can build this foundation. The foundation of any coaching relationship is rooted in the manager's day-to-day relationship with the employee. Without some degree of trust, conducting an effective coaching meeting is impossible. Your employees need to develop trust that you are here to help them succeed and not gather information that can be used against them. - Powerful Listening
One of the greatest skills a coach/manager must practice is active listening. Fully deploy listening skills with an open mind in order to ask more effective questions of the employee/individual, and get to the heart of an issue to assist them in finding a solution. - Getting Agreement
As a manager, getting your employees to agree that there is a performance issue can sometimes be an uphill battle. Overlooking or avoiding the performance issue because you assume the employee understands its significance is a typical mistake of managers. To get an employee to acknowledge a performance issue exists, you must be able to define the nature of the issue and get the employee to recognize the consequences of not changing their behavior. To do this, you must specify the behavior and clarify the consequences. Be careful not to assume that your understanding of the situation is the right one. A coaching session is a two-way communication process. You should encourage your employees to explain how they interpret the behaviors and agree on the nature of the issue. - Be Curious
Rather than just jumping in to problem-solving mode and rescuing every person in site, first get curious about what may be causing the problem. This helps define the problem more clearly. Some questions to ask the person you are coaching:
- What do you think is really causing this situation?
- What’s holding you back from the goal?
- What is it about this situation that is keeping you up at night?
- In what ways are you not being the person you'd like to be now?
To have successful coaching relationships with anyone (especially your employees), you really need to get to know them on at least some personal level. Let me stress, this is not about being friends or socializing outside of the office. Knowing a little bit about the person you are supporting can offer you valuable insight into the "why" they do what they do. Thinking about thinking is an important part of the coaching process so remember to ask open-ended questions. - Be Flexible
Remember that each person has different motivators and communication styles. Recognize and understand that each person may have a different style of learning and respond differently to how you communicate. If someone is slower to speak and respond, for example, allow them time to think and process rather than interrupting with 'helpful' suggestions. Effective coaching adapts to the unique style and needs of the person being coached. This is typically a learning gap for the coach who wants to jump in, create results for their employee and get back some valuable time in their day - especially when they see the issue (hopefully) from a distance with no bias or judgement. Flexible doesn't mean being a push over or getting someone to like you. It simply means you are being and doing what's needed with this individual to ensure they are moving closer to their goals while maintaining the proper level of trust, commitment, action and integrity required to move the coaching partnership forward. - Have and Set Goals
Discuss what you want to accomplish and be clear about your expectations. Consider giving your employees a model of what their end goal looks like or set specific criteria for what the output should include. Coaching is focused and grounded in a future state of what's possible however this is only achievable with a clear timeline. Setting milestones that build toward the end goal with prescheduled “check-in meetings” will allow you to get together along the way in order to evaluate how things are going. Talk about a deadline and indicate how important the timing may (or may not) be to the success of the project or performance gap. Personally using the S.M.A.R.T Goal framework is a great starting point for both the conversation as well as to ensure it's achievable. - Provide Feedback
As your employees work toward accomplishing the goal you set together, be sure to attend your check-in meetings at the agreed upon times. This applies to both the process but equally important is when they reach their milestones and ultimately their end goal. Allow them to ask questions. Acknowledge them for what’s going right with the project and make suggestions if you feel they need more direction. Remember to Be Curious, Be Present and Listen and Revisit the agreed upon End Goals. - Alignment With Your Company's Core Values
When possible, your coaching should be based on your organization’s core values (or the employee/individual you are coaching). This becomes the “why” behind your support and coaching actions. As a result, your coaching becomes less about what you think and reinforces the culture that you want in your organization. And when you and your employees are looking at the bigger picture together, it should help them be more receptive to you, understand how this impacts both the broader organization and ultimately their individual goals and aspirations. Managers who know the business case for coaching and developing others typically value the process and use it more effectively. - Collaboration Is Key
No matter the situation, coaching conversations should flow both ways with ample opportunity for mutual feedback and discussion. This way, you’re not removing your employees’ responsibility in the matter or doing the work for them. When you establish great coaching relationships with your employees, it can improve every interaction you have with them and makes management far easier. Remember, a coach is not the expert but rather a sounding board who can and should reflect back to their people what they see and hear (but not "feel") regarding their performance as it relates to that important end goal. - Explore All Possibile Solutions
With the help of your employee, brainstorm alternative solutions and possibilities to the issue. Your role is to ensure that your employees come up with specific alternatives to the existing challenges and not create broad or vague solutions. The reason is that you need to hold them accountable to the solutions and clearly define what your expectations of the performance are. Your focus is to help them set goals (i.e.: SMART) and support them in coming up with specific alternatives to create the highest possibility of success for reaching them.You can provide your own ideas, but be aware that they will carry more weight simply because it's coming from you. - Commitment To Act
Different then getting agreement, the commitment here is around taking action and ensuring that they see what's possible in it for them by taking action. It does not matter how great of a solution or roadmap to get you their is. If your employee doesn't see it, get it or possibly feel it - then you should pause and recalibrate. You don't want a false start. This also works for you the coach. Outlining what they (your employee or individual) can expect from you in terms of showing up, supporting them, keeping and scheduling meeting times and most importantly ask them if there is anything specific they need from you - will demonstrate the level of integrity you are seeking them to model as well. - Handle excuses
Employees may use excuses to lower your expectations of their performance or simply shy away from what they don't know or feel is outside their comfort zone. You should acknowledge them without giving them agreement while focusing on the solutions and the SMART Goal. There may be situational factors that may affect the outcome of their performance and as a coach, you need to take them into consideration so by all means keep an open mind. Remember to get curious and do some detective work around both the content and context to what they are sharing. The content will be the story and where the excuses come from but the context (i.e.: emotional state) is where a coach can pick up the subtle cues and clues as to why they are hesitant to move forward or commit. - Accountability
Probably the most important aspect of both what coaching provides as well as what is needed to ensure a successful coaching experience for everyone involved. Your job is to ensure that your employee understand what you should do if they do not follow through on their commitments. You could ask, “How would you like me to follow up if I don’t hear back from you?” or “If you don’t follow through, how should I help you get back on track?” And then, be sure that you follow through. If you don’t model accountability, it sends the wrong message and jeopardizes future coaching solutions as well as taints your employee's listening of you which will prevent further engagement on their end. I am putting Time Management under this section as it pertains to being, staying and holding others to being accountable. Remember that coaching can happen in different ways with different needs and circumstances. There may be times where spot coaching sessions are needed or a session may run require more time than allotted. Plan your coaching times, know when they are and ensure that your employee / individual also knows. Send calendar invites as well as follow ups if needed. In the event you cannot make a session, immediately reach out to that employee, communicate the need to reschedule and find a new time as quickly as possible. This will again model both being accountable as well as being in integrity with your words, actions and ultimately the support you have for that person.
This is not a model nor a specific framework outlined in order. The best way to use this information is to apply it during any coaching engagement as a personal checklist both preflight and during. The reason is quite simple: many trained coaches and/or managers will complete some type of training program and learn to apply that methodology with their people and within their practice, function and company. In addition, there are hundreds of other coaching models that currently exist. Some are more radical and effective while others are redundant. Your goal is to discover what works best for you AND your people and apply it so that THEY improve. There is no one single coaching model that will work with everyone - everytime but you should explore what's out there. In fact, I would invite you to use these principles in conjunction of your own personality, style and of course any learnings or models you feel works for you, your people and most importantly your companies culture.
Final Thoughts:
A manager who sees people's potential is far better at coaching them towards it. A manager that judges people based on past and current performance, or believes that people are inherently limited, will not make a strong effort to engage staff for optimal performance. An engaged, well-coached employee will out-perform one who is being mismanaged by a weak boss.
If you manage people, you should understand the importance of effective coaching. How someone is managed can have an enormous impact on their effectiveness and productivity, and thus impact the productivity of the entire team.